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| My Autobiography | |||||||||||||
| I was born a poor black child... (not really, and apologies to the writers of The Jerk) on the outskirts (skirts?) of the sleepy college town of Palo Alto, California. | |||||||||||||
| The fourth of eight children born to Kathy Dyer, I have two brothers (one deceased) and five sisters. | |||||||||||||
| At the tender age of 1 year old, my parents were divorced, my older siblings remained with my father and I stayed with my mother. As of then, I was the oldest (and only) child in the household. | |||||||||||||
| As a product of moving around a lot (my new step dad was a long haul trucker), my younger sisters were born in various parts of the west and midwest. And I got to see a lot of the country. The down side of this was that in moving every six months or so, I never had any close friends. This was not quite so bad as it sounds... as I was part of such a large family. Over the course of the next 5 years four younger sisters were born. | |||||||||||||
| As a boy, I wasn't. I was never into sports or games, preferring instead to read or sit and think, musing of a world of my own design. My first true inkling that I was different was when I was eight, and had a crush on a ten year old boy down the street.* To this day I still remember his name... | |||||||||||||
| As my sisters grew older, I enjoyed playing house with them and games of pretend. I also wanted to play dolls with them, but my step dad frowned on it, so I couldn't always. | |||||||||||||
| At the age of 10, one of my sisters was nearly my size, myself always having been slight for my age. It was then that I began to wear girls clothes whenever I could, this being of course when no one else was home. I remember vividly how wonderful it felt the first time I put on a dress. I felt so alive, like I had opened up a part of me that had never seen the light of day before. | |||||||||||||
| After that, other things began to happen in my life that would ensure that my new found feelings would be shoved deeply into the background for many years to come. | |||||||||||||
| The first of these was the departure of my step dad in the winter of 1966-67, he just went out to do shopping and didn't return. We were to learn later that he had absconded with a friend of the family. | |||||||||||||
| Following this, we moved to Montana to be near my aunt. On Easter Sunday, my mother passed away after a massive heart attack. This being just one week before my 12th birthday, I was of course devastated, and I withdrew from as much of life as possible for many years. This, coupled with a fear of anyone finding out about my desire to be a girl caused me to act out inappropriately during my adolescence and young adulthood. And resultantly to find myself in considerable trouble. | |||||||||||||
| *- there were actually two crushes, I also had a crush on Kurt Russell, then starring in a TV program called 'The Travels of Jaimie McPheeters' | |||||||||||||
| I stuffed Brenda back in the nether reaches of my soul, and began to act out in the more socially acceptable form of being gay, though I was never comfortable with the title or the lifestyle. | |||||||||||||
| My adult life had been a series of stifling events and self denial. I went through continual torture until I at last could stand no more and ripped the mask of malehood from my face... this on the 41st anniversary of my birth. This is the time when I began to inform my friends and family of my intent to become a female. | |||||||||||||
| I expected going in that I would suffer from universal rejection, and prepared myself for it. Somehow, it just didn't work out that way..... From the very first person I told, my wonderful and loving baby sister, Sherrie, I gained more and more support. With each person I told, I gained another advocate. It was beginning to really floor me. And things only continued to improve... it was like everyone knew that this is what I was supposed to do all along. | |||||||||||||
| I began counseling to obtain the diagnosis I needed to begin hrt and begin my journey in earnest. I began living as a female full time in September, 1998, and began hrt in October, at the age of 43 years and five months, I was finally on my way to being the girl I was meant to be. | |||||||||||||
| I have never felt good about myself in my entire life, but now I am really beginning to love myself, I no longer am driven to do crazy things to make up for the fact that I was denying my own self the right to see the light of day. | |||||||||||||
| I have met wonderful new friends, on the chats and in the real world. It is just so wonderful.... | |||||||||||||
| Now I dress all the time and I love everything that makes me feel more like a girl. I look forward to the time when I will have my srs, and my dream will be complete. I am hoping that it will be somewhere around January 2001. | |||||||||||||
| Update: It's now 3 May, 2001, and I have had my SRS. Good news: As of 23 April, I am at last the girl I was meant to be. I now know that this will not be the culmination of the dream, but merely another step in the journey that will last a lifetime. To all of you who are reading this, I wish you joy, prosperity and love.. most of all love. :) I hope that in the time that I have spent here on the internet that I have helped more than I have hurt, that I have given the love that people have needed in a time when love can be very hard to find. I also pray each day that I will continue to do these things to the best of my ability, and beyond. To each of you.. my love and best wishes..... Brenda Ann *HUGS* |
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